So today I go in for a fitness assessment. This will likely involve getting onto some sort of machine at some point, and breaking a sweat. After that, extremely well maintained body types will shake their heads, and sadly frown, and type things into laptops.
I expect to then be dragged out to the back alley, where a dog will sit waiting for me. He will dutifully dig a small trench, then bite my hand and lead me to the trench. He will nudge me lightly with his nose until I get into the trench, then he will fill up the hole with me inside it.
Then the pretty people inside the fitness center will breathe a sigh of relief, and deposit the $19.00 I gave them.
In time, my name will be spoken of as a reminder of what not to do to a body. To scare small children away from dark beers, and potato chips. Why small children will be drinking dark beer in the future? Because future, now shut up.